Today...

Today is not to bad for me. I am not a ray of sunshine but I am not miss doom and gloom either. My demeanor will stay like this...unless something goes wrong.

That's the thing with this depression. What most people would consider minor things could be catastrophic to me. And major problems may just roll of my back. Take this, for example. One day my boss was away and didn't get our cheques to us in time. We would have to go all weekend without it. I wouldn't have much money and the cupboards were getting bare. Did I freak out? Nope. Did my co-worker freak out? Yes.

To the "normal" world this would be a bummer...a problem...something to fret about.

To me it was no big deal. We would get our money on Monday. So what? We will make due.

Now, have me clean the floor and my kid knock over a plant so that mud goes everywhere.

To the "normal" person this would be disappointing but no big deal. Get the broom and then it is clean.

To me this would be earth shattering! I just took all my time and energy to clean up and now I have to do it again! Don't they realize how hard it is for me? Now I have to spend more of my time and precious energy to clean AGAIN!!!

Do I say anything to my kid? Probably nothing more than. Aww! You should be more careful. It's ok. Mommy will clean it up.

Inside, however, I am screaming at myself. To the point that I will probably break down.

It seems to me that in order to control this burden called depression I have to live in a prefect world where children are perfect and husbands are prefect and nothing ever goes wrong. Especially not little things.

Unfortunately this world do not exist.

Unfortunately I will never have control over this.

Control.

Some days I feel like I have control over nothing.

That's what this disease robs you of. Your control.

Over your life.

Over anything.

Gaining control would make everything better. But how do a person do that? How do they get back they life they once had? I know that, for me, my life was never on control. But I always had the option of getting out. Getting away.

Once a relationship and kids came into the picture my life is no longer my own. I live not only for myself anymore but for them.

The option of running away, although sometimes very tempting, is not available for me.

They would be a very selfish act and they do not deserve that.

But what do I deserve? Now, people, THAT is a question that I struggle with everyday.

What DO I deserve?