Today is good...

I am not too bad today...mood wise. I do have the flu, and my kids have the flu, so there is fever's, headaches, and body chills to boot here.


But, all in all, I am pretty good. The light at the end of the tunnel is visible today. It no where near me, by no means, but it least I can see it...far off in the distance.


The weather is terrible, however, and Spring do not look like it is even close. I think if the weather would just warm up a little and the sun would come out things would get better. I could get out of hibernation. Leave this cave even if it is only for an hour or so. Breath in the fresh air and try to get the stale air out of my lungs.


That is not in the cards for this week, however. The forecast calls for cold weather and no sun all week.


I hope the weather man is wrong.


I want to get out and do things that make me happy...gardening...walking on the beaches...just sitting in the yard reading a book.


Perhaps soon...


But, the funny thing about this disease is that when that time comes something small will probably go wrong and throw my whole world off balance.


I spend all of these "happy days" waiting for something to go wrong...isn't that pathetic?


I know I have to change the way that I think but it is so hard.


I am the cause of most of my unhappiness...I do it to myself.


My poor partner takes a lot of crap from me.


I have gotten better at that since I have had the medication and the knowledge about the disease. I try to hold back and think about what I want to say long and hard before I do. I have to evaluate what I am thinking and decide if it is valid or if it is just me being paranoid.


Too bad I couldn't do that to myself. Instead I beat myself up over every little thing.


I feel like I have no friends...but I don't keep in touch...its me, not them! The one true friend that I do have knows about my disease and she understands how hard it is for me sometimes to just pick up the phone and dial her number. She calls me. She is a life line of mine and I love how she "gets" me. I hope I don't screw up our friendship.


I probably won't because she is the type of person who tells it exactly like it is...someone who can tell me when I am being irrational and someone who can tell me when my thoughts are valid. I love her for that. Because I can be totally irrational with her and she doesn't take it personally. She just sets me straight and everything is fine. She is such a good friend. Everyone needs someone like her...whenever they are depressed or not.


So, yeah. Today is not too bad. I love these days because it helps me put everything into perspective. I tend to think clearly on these days and if there is anything that I said to anyone in the past little while that was uncalled for it gives me a chance to think about it and apologise for it. If it was said to my true friend, she would just say that I have no need to apologise. She knows that sometimes things are tough for me and that sh understands. Isn't that nice of her? She is so wonderful.


I wish that I could be half the person she is...