Today is good...

I am not too bad today...mood wise. I do have the flu, and my kids have the flu, so there is fever's, headaches, and body chills to boot here.


But, all in all, I am pretty good. The light at the end of the tunnel is visible today. It no where near me, by no means, but it least I can see it...far off in the distance.


The weather is terrible, however, and Spring do not look like it is even close. I think if the weather would just warm up a little and the sun would come out things would get better. I could get out of hibernation. Leave this cave even if it is only for an hour or so. Breath in the fresh air and try to get the stale air out of my lungs.


That is not in the cards for this week, however. The forecast calls for cold weather and no sun all week.


I hope the weather man is wrong.


I want to get out and do things that make me happy...gardening...walking on the beaches...just sitting in the yard reading a book.


Perhaps soon...


But, the funny thing about this disease is that when that time comes something small will probably go wrong and throw my whole world off balance.


I spend all of these "happy days" waiting for something to go wrong...isn't that pathetic?


I know I have to change the way that I think but it is so hard.


I am the cause of most of my unhappiness...I do it to myself.


My poor partner takes a lot of crap from me.


I have gotten better at that since I have had the medication and the knowledge about the disease. I try to hold back and think about what I want to say long and hard before I do. I have to evaluate what I am thinking and decide if it is valid or if it is just me being paranoid.


Too bad I couldn't do that to myself. Instead I beat myself up over every little thing.


I feel like I have no friends...but I don't keep in touch...its me, not them! The one true friend that I do have knows about my disease and she understands how hard it is for me sometimes to just pick up the phone and dial her number. She calls me. She is a life line of mine and I love how she "gets" me. I hope I don't screw up our friendship.


I probably won't because she is the type of person who tells it exactly like it is...someone who can tell me when I am being irrational and someone who can tell me when my thoughts are valid. I love her for that. Because I can be totally irrational with her and she doesn't take it personally. She just sets me straight and everything is fine. She is such a good friend. Everyone needs someone like her...whenever they are depressed or not.


So, yeah. Today is not too bad. I love these days because it helps me put everything into perspective. I tend to think clearly on these days and if there is anything that I said to anyone in the past little while that was uncalled for it gives me a chance to think about it and apologise for it. If it was said to my true friend, she would just say that I have no need to apologise. She knows that sometimes things are tough for me and that sh understands. Isn't that nice of her? She is so wonderful.


I wish that I could be half the person she is...

So, the day started off ok...I have been very tired the last few days so its not the best but not bad either. As the day progressed it got worst.


I started today by making a list of things that I have to do around the house. If I don't have a list I will just end up on the couch all day. First on my list was laundry...perfect....something easy that I don't mind doing. Laundry usually helps get geared up for other things that I have to do.


So, I packed up what was left in the dryer, put the wet clothes in and added more to the washer. As I was putting the clothes away I noticed a basket of clothes that has been in my room for a few weeks now. I decided that they were there long enough and that I should put them away.


I got just about everything sorted in piles on my bed when at the bottom of the basket was one of my very favourite, very expensive clothing items. I got a sinking feeling because this item is not to be put in the washer or dryer. I picked it up slowly and saw that it was completely ruined.


The mother in law stayed with my kids for a few days while I was away and my hubby was working. She washed our clothes.


I was so close to losing it.


I mean the whole tears and Oprah ugly cry.


I went to my hubby who was in the basement and told him about it and about my feelings on other people doing my laundry.


I hate it.


I wouldn't want to have to handle other peoples dirty underwear and I sure as hell don't want anyone handling mine!


Especially the mother in law.


She is a topic all her own.


One that can send me into a tailspin if I let her.


But, she did stay with my kids and I am grateful for that but she ruined my stuff in the process.


This was not the only item that was ruined during those few days...but this was my favourite...and this was the last straw...and I had had enough.


Will I tell her about it?


No...not at all.


I will not give her the satisfaction of telling everyone how she tried to help me but I didn't appreciate me and how I am so controlling over her son. You see, that's how most conversations go. They end up right back to her thinking that I am controlling over him. I'm not.


I don't think she liked me from day one. I swooped in and took her son and he would never have a chance at getting back his old girlfriend that the whole family loved (and still loves). Even though she cheated on him and lied about it, Even though she was, and still is, with the man she cheated on him with. It don't matter to them.


I was the one who got my self pregnant soon after we got serious. He was the one like a cousin of his who got a girl pregnant and then they broke up and the kid was passed back and forth.


Right from the very beginning that woman had our relationship doomed. We were going to break up and her some was going to have a kid out there. We have been together for almost 11 years and that kid is now 9. We are still together...along with another one.


I was not apart of the family because were not, and is not, married. All the other children did it the right way....married, house, kids. We did the kids, house, and, maybe one day, marriage. That's wrong in her eyes. Who cares about all those people out there who are married and cheating...at least they are married! Who cares that me and her son are committed to each other and faithful. I don't have that ring on my finger or share his precious last name....I am dirt.


But,still, I trek on. Taking this world and all its people for exactly what it is. I take the good and the bad. There is nothing that I can do about the attitudes of others so I try to distance myself from people who make me feel bad.


Maybe one day I could get better and these things won't bother me. Maybe.


By the way, I got nothing but that one load of clothes done today.


Why can't I handle the curve balls that life throws at me like everyone else?

Low Irritability...

Today I am pretty good. It is taking a lot to irritate me...or maybe everyone around me is being good...I'm not sure.

I have been cleaning all day so I know that my depression is not taking over today because I have energy. Not alot...but more than an average day.

My partner was sick today and it didn't bother me so...it must be ok.

Usually it irrates the hell out of me when he is sick. I am sick everyday and is expected to "suck it up" and go on like usual. When HE is sick, however, the world has to stop. He is bed ridden and can do nothing...including watch the kids for even a minute.

But, today, it didn't bother me. I watched the kids, cleaned the house, went to get the mail, made supper. So, yeah, a pretty good day.

Lets see what tomorrow will bring...

Today...

Today is not to bad for me. I am not a ray of sunshine but I am not miss doom and gloom either. My demeanor will stay like this...unless something goes wrong.

That's the thing with this depression. What most people would consider minor things could be catastrophic to me. And major problems may just roll of my back. Take this, for example. One day my boss was away and didn't get our cheques to us in time. We would have to go all weekend without it. I wouldn't have much money and the cupboards were getting bare. Did I freak out? Nope. Did my co-worker freak out? Yes.

To the "normal" world this would be a bummer...a problem...something to fret about.

To me it was no big deal. We would get our money on Monday. So what? We will make due.

Now, have me clean the floor and my kid knock over a plant so that mud goes everywhere.

To the "normal" person this would be disappointing but no big deal. Get the broom and then it is clean.

To me this would be earth shattering! I just took all my time and energy to clean up and now I have to do it again! Don't they realize how hard it is for me? Now I have to spend more of my time and precious energy to clean AGAIN!!!

Do I say anything to my kid? Probably nothing more than. Aww! You should be more careful. It's ok. Mommy will clean it up.

Inside, however, I am screaming at myself. To the point that I will probably break down.

It seems to me that in order to control this burden called depression I have to live in a prefect world where children are perfect and husbands are prefect and nothing ever goes wrong. Especially not little things.

Unfortunately this world do not exist.

Unfortunately I will never have control over this.

Control.

Some days I feel like I have control over nothing.

That's what this disease robs you of. Your control.

Over your life.

Over anything.

Gaining control would make everything better. But how do a person do that? How do they get back they life they once had? I know that, for me, my life was never on control. But I always had the option of getting out. Getting away.

Once a relationship and kids came into the picture my life is no longer my own. I live not only for myself anymore but for them.

The option of running away, although sometimes very tempting, is not available for me.

They would be a very selfish act and they do not deserve that.

But what do I deserve? Now, people, THAT is a question that I struggle with everyday.

What DO I deserve?

After my first blog post today I had a meltdown.

It seems like I am raising two children on my own, I am working full time, and I am dealing with depression. My partner works evenings so he is gone before my oldest child is home from school and don't return until after midnight.

My youngest is just starting to potty train. Mix that with a child that has aggression issues and a mom that is depressed. Not good. He peed on the floor so many times this evening that I thought I had a puppy. I know that it is wrong to get mad at him....and I didn't. I just lost it emotionally...to myself. For some reason I just couldn't take it tonight.

To be completely honest there are a lot of nights that I feel like I can't take them and that I just want to take off. Pack a bag and go. I know that I won't do that, but it is in my mind.

Being depressed and having children is hard. Really hard. Feeling like you are doing it alone is even harder.

I don't know if it will get better, but I keep telling myself it will. I have to. If I don't...I am not sure what will happen. If this is all my life is...is it really worth it?

who am i...

Who am I? Ha! I wish I knew! The thing is that there are so many different emotions going through me that I have no idea.

Sometimes I am so happy that I can barely contain myself. Everyone around me soaks up all that happiness and it becomes infectous...thay can't help but to be happy too.

More times, however, I am anything but happy. Depressed, stressed, anxiety, sadness, anger....

Those are all words that can be used to describe how I feel.

And, I can go through all of those emotions in one day...in one hour sometimes.

So, I guess the only way to answer the question "Who am I?" would be determined by what day (or hour) it is.

Who am I today? Well, I guess I am a sad, depressed girl who is hurting over how horrible the World is becoming. Why can't people see that we are causing our own problems? A lot of people are quick to blame them on God. If something good happens...God works in mysterous ways. If something bad happens...God has his reasons.

Do I think that God is the cause and the cure of our problems? HELL NO! We make and cure our own lives. If we sit on our asses and wait for God to do something for us then we are pathetic!

Am I religious? I guess you have already guessed no to that...and you would be right.

Do I believe in God? Yes.

But to help ourselves and to help our World we have to take responsibility for our own actions and we have to go into action instead of waiting for God to do it for us. If we all stood up for each other and stopped blaming God, or the Devil for that matter, on the probelms that we ourselves are causing then this world would be a much better place.

Maybe then....I would know who I am....